First Loves

Thirty-four years ago, a boy I went to high school with asked me to "go steady" with him and gave me his high school ring. This was the beginning of a four year steady relationship and my first true love. Since then, we have both gone our separate ways, married other people, had children, and made lives for ourselves in different states from each other. I have only seen him, maybe twice... from a distance, since we parted ways, and I haven't thought about him in years. Last night, out of the blue, I dreamed about him. It was one of those long and detailed dreams that feel like it's not a dream at all when you are in it. I rarely have dreams that I remember more than five minutes after awakening. When I do remember one, I can almost always pinpoint some recent conversation, something I read or saw on TV, etc, that awakened a memory in my sub-conscience that led to the dream. This time I can think of absolutely nothing that led to the dream. Regardless of the cause of the dream, it made me start thinking about first loves. I have always heard that you never forget your first love. For me that has been true. Although I rarely ever think of him, he has always been there, way back in my sub-conscience... not necessarily because of who he was or anything specific about him, but because he was the first person I ever loved in a romantic way. I believe that the experience of first love is such an important part of the process of finding out who we are as individuals. We learn so much about ourselves from the experience, and it helps shape who we become. And just like our first children, we often cut our teeth on this experience and learn from the mistakes we make with it. He was such a sweet and genuinely good guy; I really hate that he was the experience I had to learn from through my bumbling mistakes in learning how to love and be loved. There is a little piece of my heart that always has, and always will, belong only to him. I would like to think that somewhere, somehow, he knows that, and maybe there is a little piece of his heart that still belongs to me. However, life goes on, for better or worse, and here I am, 34 years later and amazed sometimes that I can even remember my first love.