Over The Hill

I am officially over the hill. I turned "50" yesterday. I can't believe it. Where did the time go? Age has never bothered me before... until this year. I think it started when my sister, Tamarah, became a grandmother a couple of weeks ago. Then I decorated a co-worker's cubicle who was turning 60. Then it seemed all I could think about was my age. I suddenly realized that, no matter how long I live, my life is more than half gone ... or at least my life on earth. Wow... that realization was like when someone who has had a terminal illness dies... you knew it was going to happen and you thought you were prepared, but you find out there is no way to "really" be prepared. You just deal with it when it hits you. Top-most among my thoughts and feelings over the past two weeks has been that I do have regrets. I wish that were not so, but it is. I have made choices in my lifetime that seemed right at the time, but turned out to be wrong. I have also made choices that were wrong from the get-go, and I knew that but blinded myself to the truth of it at the time. I grieve for what could have been and what should have been. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock ... not to be young again ... but to exchange some of my choices for better ones. I envy my dear friend, Marzee, who is going on 88 years young and looks back over her life with absolutely no regrets. What peace and joy that brings her in her declining years. Well, I have topped the hill now, and I cannot change the trek I took up the hill. But I "can" choose the path I will take going down, with the maturity and wisdom that comes with age. And that is exactly what I will do. So upon awakening yesterday, I did not feel the panic I was afraid I would feel because I had already dealt with the "age" thing and was over it. I felt happy and at peace. I felt as if I had finally grown up. Or at least I "think" that is how I felt... if I remember correctly... I am, after all, over the hill!